Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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