You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
