Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
