i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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