You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
