But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
