My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
