The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
