The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
