I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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