I think im going to throw up on grandma
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
