Just fell off a train. Bad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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