we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
