You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
