omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
