Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
