oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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