I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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