i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
