Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
