Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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