I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
