I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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