So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
