You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
