I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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