my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
