i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
