I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
