I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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