There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
