woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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