So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize