Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
