but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
