ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
