I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Mom said you looked used
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize