I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
