I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
