I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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