she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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