Umm I'm too high to move.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
