you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize