I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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