I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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