I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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