Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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