nut hugger
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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