Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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