If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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