i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
