i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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