Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
