It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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