I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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