Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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